


addicted to the losing fight

by Chychyd



Category: Saturday Night Live
Genre: Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Fluff and Angst, Good friends being good friends, M/M, Relapsing, but this pain is necessary i apologize, my poor stefon i love him so much, seth is an A++ boyfriend, stefon is an emotion mess on purpose i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 02:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17458799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chychyd/pseuds/Chychyd
Summary: “I don’t think a lot of us have really seen Stefon for who he is. Most of us just see him for the character he plays.”It's time for Stefon to be honest with Seth about his past and how it haunts his present.





	addicted to the losing fight

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome to 2019! Nothing has changed and I still have no structure!! Yay!! Here is some angst I wrote at 1 a.m! TW: for drug abuse!!

“What do I mean to you, huh? Say it. Actually fucking say what I mean to you.” Every part of his body is on fire, nostrils flaring and hands that don’t know whether they want to pull of push the man in front of him.

 

“Everything.” Seth whispered, voice cracking. “You mean everything to me.”

 

“Then fucking act like it.” He walked away because he needed to cool down. His steps were heavy and louder than he meant them to be. One of those mean voices in his head told him he probably looked like an angry toddler stomping away after getting his toy taken. He wished he could tell that voice to shut the fuck up without looking like he was crazy.

 

Amy and Andy really didn’t mean to hear the whole fight. They just happened to be heading to Seth’s office and well- those offices are not soundproof. “That.. could have gone better.” Amy winced as she hung around Seth’s open doorway. He was still standing in the middle of the room where Stefon had left him.

 

“Thanks.” He said blandly. Amy signaled for Andy to go after Stefon while she closed the door behind her. “Amy I’m not-”

 

“Just give me like two minutes and then we can go back to pretending we’re working.”  

 

Seth just sighed heavy and plopped down in his desk chair, pinching the bridge of  his nose.

 

/

 

“Hey, Stefon buddy! Wait up!”

 

The unexpected voice brought Stefon to a stop but he rolled his eyes as soon as he realized he had done it. This is not how he wants to deal with his emotions. Andy Samberg is not a good substitute for Jack Daniels and its offending that Seth Meyers would ever even try to send one of his little puppy dogs after Stefon in the first place.

 

“I’m not your buddy, Andy Samberg. I’m fucking your head writer, there’s a difference.”

 

“First of all, ouch. Second of all, eeww. Third of all..” He paused for a second, trying to remember where he was going with that statement. “Are you alright?”

 

Stefon crossed his arms over his chest and put on a giant, obviously fake smile. “Yes, I’m fine. Are we done now?”

 

“No.” Andy replied quickly. “Look, I know it’s not my business but I’d like to think of you as a friend. I just want to help my friend because obviously something is going on and it’s hurting you and Seth.”

 

“You’re right.” He sighed. “It’s not any of your business.” Stefon turned and walked away, not completely sure where he was going, but determined to get out of this building before any more Saturday Night Live cast members materialized in his way.

 

When Andy got back to Seth’s office, Amy was walking out, closing the door quietly. “No luck.” Andy sighed, throwing his arms at his sides. “I’ve never seen Stefon like that before.”

 

“I don’t think a lot of us have really seen Stefon for who he is. Most of us just see him for the character he plays.” Amy took Andy’s arm and started away from the office.

 

“Do you think they’re going to be alright?”

 

“I think that’s up to Stefon at this point.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“Seth said he has a plan. Something about proving his love. I kind of just let him ramble until I figured he was okay.”

 

Andy scoffed. “I wish Stefon had rambled. He just said I wasn’t his friend and this was none of my business and walked off.”

 

“We just need to give them both space to be okay with each other again. And then we need to start getting to know Stefon for real.”

 

“Agreed.”

 

//

 

“Flowers. Lousy fucking flowers.  _ Oh Stefon I love you so much accept my forgiveness in the form of something that is going to die because you kill everything good in your life _ .”

 

“Sounds to me like he’s trying.”

 

“Sounds to me like a cop-out.”

 

“ _ Stefon _ .”

 

“ _ Shiloh _ .”

 

Shy sighed and took a sip of his chia latte. His leather-clad legs squeaked as he uncrossed and re-crossed them. “Do you want advice as your friend, ex-lover, or lawyer?”

 

“What if I don’t want your advice at all?”

 

“Stefon, you woke us both up in the mundane time of day we’d both normally be asleep to sit in an overcrowded New York coffee shop and complain to me about your love life. Either you want advice or sympathy sex.”

 

There was a moment Stefon considered the latter before throwing his head back with a frustrated groan. 

 

“How long has it been since you used?” The question made Stefon raise an eyebrow. Shy raised one back. “Come on, Stefon. You’re frustrated, irritable, kind of rude. You don’t know what you want and yet you are completely unsatisfied by everything around you.” He gestured to the cold coffee, basically untouched by Stefon. “If it was sexual frustration you would have already had me against every surface in this place. It’s withdrawal.”

 

“Are you suggesting that I  _ should- _ ”

 

“ _ No _ . Absolutely not. What I’m saying is that you hadn’t last time we talked and you were fine. And now you’re going through withdrawal. Which means you did.”

 

“I thought you were a lawyer, not a fucking detective.”

 

“A detective would have looked through your backpack for evidence. I’m just piecing together the evidence presented to me. So what, did you tell him you had the flu or you were out of town for a few weeks or something while you were relapsing?”

 

Stefon mumbled out a ‘ _ Jesus Christ _ .’ “Could you be a little more judgemental?”

 

“I’m not judging you for relapsing but I’m not exactly thrilled that you didn’t even think to call me when you did.”

 

People were starting to stare, or atleast Stefon felt like they were. “Can we talk about this somewhere else?” They got up and left the crowded shop and headed towards not-so busy side roads. “Of course I wanted to call you. I didn’t talk to anyone for a fucking week after because I felt so bad about it.”

 

“How many times?”

 

“A couple. I went off my meds. Had an episode. I did it myself. It had nothing to do with Seth Meyers or how much sex I’m having or anything. I fucked it all up myself. Like I always do.”

 

“What did you tell Seth?”

 

Stefon slumped down on a bench. “I caught the flu after visiting my mom for a few days. The marks on my arm are from them trying to get an IV in a few times.”

 

“He bought it?”

 

“He doesn’t know better.”

 

“Does… does he even know, Stefon? That you used to use that stuff?”

 

“You say it like you didn’t do it too.”

 

“That’s not what I’m saying and you know that. I’m saying you’ve been dating this guy for the better part of a year. You practically live together and he doesn’t know about that part of your life.”

 

“It’s not the person I am anymore. So why bring it up?”

 

“Because it is, Stefon. It is still a part of you and it always will be. We don’t get the option of being recovered. We are always in recovery and we had to accept that a long time ago.” Shy reached out for Stefon’s arm but Stefon quickly snatched it away. “Have you been to a meeting since?”

 

“No.”

 

“We’re going tonight.”

 

“ _ No _ .”

 

“ _ Yes _ .”

 

“I’m back on my meds, I’m fine.”

 

“Also, I’m calling Doctor Rachel and getting you in in the morning.”

 

“Shy, dammit!” Stefon stood up from the bench, fists clenched at his sides. “Stop trying to fix me. I don’t need you or anyone else to fix me.”

 

“I’m not trying to fix you. I am keeping my promise. You and I have been in this together for the last five years and I will be damned if I’m even giving you a little wiggle room to become that person again!”

 

Stefon pulled Shy in for a rough, wet, burning kiss. Shy felt the wetness from Stefon’s cheeks smear onto his own. “Stop.” Shy mumbled into the kiss. Stefon rested his forehead against his friend’s and breathed heavy. “You know I’m not the one you want to be kissing.”

 

“I can’t.” He croaked out. “I’m just going to fuck it up. I always fuck it up.”

 

Shy took a step back and wiped the tears with a handkerchief that Stefon isn’t sure where it came from. “If he can’t handle knowing who you used to be, he doesn’t deserve who you are today.” He squeezed Stefon’s hand, prompting him to take deep breaths. “You go talk to him. Be honest with him. And when you’re done, there will be plenty of takeout and the entire series of the Golden Girls waiting for you at my place.”

 

Stefon let out a shaky breath. “Okay.”

 

“And then we’re going to that meeting.”

 

He just nodded his head, trying to calm his breathing and heart that felt like it was going to beat right out of his chest and skip down 34th. “Okay.”

 

///

 

It took longer than it should have for Stefon to get to Seth’s place. Part of that was because he switched trains three times trying to decide if he should check if Seth was at work first or just go straight to his apartment. Most of it was procrastination. 

 

Stefon’s hands were cold by the time he was knocking on Seth’s door. His heart was thrumming in his ears and he probably looked like a tear-stained mess. He waited, but the door didn’t open. He knocked again, still no answer.  _ What an idiot _ , he thought to himself before remembering he had a key, given to him many months ago, and then proceeded to feel like an even bigger idiot.

 

He closed the door quietly behind him and kicked off his shoes out of habit. The first thing he noticed was the sound of water running, which meant Seth was in fact home. The second was the scattered papers all over the bar in his kitchen. Stefon scanned over them- florists’ phone numbers, dozens of rewritten ‘I’m sorry’ letters, and fancy restaurant brochures littered the marble counter. He didn’t want to look into them too hard, he didn’t want to derail his mission. 

 

He needed a drink, something to ease his nerves so he isn’t a blubbering, spastic mess while trying to talk to Seth about his less-than-pretty past. Good thing Seth Meyers was always stocked on good quality alcohol. He mixed something quickly- just some orange juice and vodka but it was enough to buff the edges without interfering with his medications or get him tipsy.

 

“Stefon.” Stefon was too busy nursing his drink to hear the water stop. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

 

Stefon nearly spat his drink back into his glass when he laid eyes on his boyfriend, only in a towel and dripping wet. “Hi.”

 

Seth smiled softly as he walked up and gently took the trembling glass out of Stefon’s hand. Stefon didn’t stop him, only closed his eyes as Seth’s hands caressed his face and hair. “I thought I may have lost you.”

 

_ The only thing you’re about to lose is that towel _ . Stefon thought to himself with a gulp before shaking the idea from his head. He gently removed Seth’s hands. “Can you go put on some pants, please?” Seth looked a mixture of confused and offended. “I need to talk to you about something important but if you don’t put some pants on I’m going to totally forget what it was because I’ve already halfway forgotten it just by looking at you.”

 

There was a mixture of softness and sadness and fondness on Stefon’s face that Seth couldn’t help but melt to. It was a look that Seth was pretty sure his boyfriend didn’t use on purpose to get his way, but it always worked no matter what. Seth agreed and left a feather light kiss on Stefon’s cheek before jogging back to his room to put some clothes on.

 

When Seth reappeared, Stefon had himself awkwardly perched on the couch, like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed on it or not even though they have spent countless hours making themselves  _ very  _ comfortable on that couch. Seth started getting nervous, his doubts and insecurities from before getting the better of him. Now clad in sweatpants and a tee shirt, he sat next to Stefon equally as awkward and stiff.

 

“I’m not breaking up with you.” Stefon said quickly, taking up Seth’s hand. Stefon could practically see Seth deflate from all the tension he was harboring.

 

“Okay.. then what is all this about? You’ve been so distant and different lately. I really thought I had fucked it up.”

 

“Nononono Seth Meyers! None of this is your fault, I promise. It’s me. It’s all been me.” Stefon gulped hard and took a deep breath. He knew Seth knew his hand was trembling but he couldn’t stop it. Seth only held it tighter. “I haven’t been completely honest with you. About a lot, well I guess not that much.. Well, you see a long time ago- I uh. Um, you remember Shy? My lawyer slash conceptual piss artist slash best friend other than you? Well him and I- we go way back, like really it’s a long story that I, uh- I guess what I’m trying to say is-”

 

“Stefon. Breath, honey. Just slow down, start from the beginning.”

 

Stefon could feel tears starting to sting the back of his eyes. God, he never thought it would be this hard. He never thought he’d have to do this again.

 

“The beginning. Right.”  _ Another breath. Push back the tears. Seth is right here. Squeeze his hand. There you go, Stefon. You can do this _ . “Back a long time ago, I used to use heroin.”

 

Stefon was watching Seth’s face too closely, too ready for the recoil and the disappointment and the coldness and the goodbye. The _ I Don’t Love You Anymore _ . The  _ This Isn’t Going To Work Out.  _

 

But with Seth, it wasn’t coldness, he didn’t pull away. But his eyes did get sad and his jaw clenched and his throat bobbed and that was almost enough to send Stefon into a panic. He could feel the tears coming back.

 

Seth didn’t say a word, only waited for Stefon to swallow down the lump in his throat so he could finish. “I was in a really terrible place in my life. An old boyfriend I had got me into it and and it wasn’t until I met Shy that I got help. He convinced me to get help. I’ve been clean for five years.”

 

“That’s great sweetheart. That’s really awesome, I’m so pr-” Stefon was trembling, his head hung as the first tear finally dripped from his eyes onto the leather couch. He shook his head and sniffled. “Oh.. oh, Stefon.” Seth gently angled Stefon’s face up to meet his and wiped at his boyfriends wet face with his thumbs. “What happened?” He whispered.

 

“Do you remember when I was visiting Mama Stefon a couple weeks ago?” 

 

Seth nodded his head. “You got the flu from your cousin, Rickie.”

 

Stefon shook his head again. “I was never there. I went off my meds and used again.” Stefon felt like he was choking. He couldn’t even look at Seth anymore. “My prescription ran out and I thought I’d be okay for a while without them. I wanted to see if I could be okay without them. But all the voices came back and the memories and and I had convinced myself that you didn’t love me-”

 

“Stefon you can’t believ-”

 

“I don’t!” He was sobbing at this point, angry with himself and scared out of his mind that this was going to end badly. “I know you love me, I do!” He launched himself at Seth, unable to contain himself any longer. Seth held him tight, making soothing strokes through his hair and down his back. He started again after he calmed down “I don’t even remember doing it. I just remember waking up and feeling it, knowing instantly what that feeling was. I was at some trap house down the Bronx. Once I sobered up, I went back home and locked myself in until I knew which way was up again. That’s when I told you I had the flu.”

 

“So all the arguing and the distance isn’t because you wanted to break up with me?” Seth clarified, with just a twinge of a smile. Stefon was amazed at how easily Seth was able to change his mood, just by one little comment, something that doesn’t even clarify as a joke and yet, Stefon went from crying to smiling.

 

“No.” He smiled, running a hand through Seth’s damp hair. “I’m definitely not going to break up with you.”

 

“What can I do to help?” Seth asked, more seriously, kissing Stefon’s knuckles. No judgement. No questions about the whens or the hows or the whys. He just wants to help. He just wants Stefon to be okay.

 

Stefon thought for a moment before sighing. “There is one thing, maybe.”

 

“Anything.”

 

/

 

“Hi. My name is Stefon and I’m an addict.”

 

**_“Hi Stefon.”_ **

 

With his best friend on one side of him, and the love of his life on the other, Stefon felt like he could finally do this. They each held one of his hands while he told the story to the group, less anxious and less tearful than just a bit ago. He was able to tell the whole truth and feel good about it. He was able to say he successfully overcame it once and he knows now that he could do that again. He told the group about Shy and how a coked-up lawyer with a latex fetish saved his life and how a fake news anchor with the sweetest soul he’s ever met taught him love and will keep teaching it to him until it sticks, and even then he probably won’t stop teaching him how to want to live every single day happy and mostly-sober. 

 

After the meeting, Seth took Stefon and Shy out for a nice dinner at a place that was probably too fancy for them and their normal clothes but Seth didn’t care that they were underdressed or that Shy was dressed in leather or latex or whatever plastic-y festive print clothing he loved to donn. They laughed and talked and drinked expensive wine and Seth and Shy got to really know each other for the first time.

 

“I wanted to thank you, Shy.” Seth announced.

 

“Oh? Whatever for, Seth Meyers?”

 

“Without you, I probably wouldn’t have Stefon today, or ever. He is.. He is the best thing that’s ever come into my life. So thank you.” They toasted and drink some more before Seth turned to Stefon. “And, Stefon.”

 

“Yes, Seth Meyers?” Stefon was excited and a little wine-tipsy. Just enough to make his cheeks flush bright red.

 

“I was going to ask you this later when I had this big thing planned with balloons and an even fancier restaurant and stuff but I figured now is just as any of a good time to ask.”

 

A cold panic ran through Stefon as he realized what was happening. His flight or fight instincts started kicking in.

 

“Would you want to move in with me?”

 

Stefon blinked a couple of times and looked over at Shy, making sure the words processed in his brain correctly before answering. Shy rolled his eyes and chuckled to himself.

 

“Stefon?”

 

Stefon clicked back into reality and kissed Seth hard and indecently, in front of everyone in the damn restaurant without a care in the world. “Of course I would love to move in with you, you panic-attack inducing goof.”

 

Seth gawked. “What? What did you think I was going to ask?”

 

Shy finished his glass of wine quickly. “Mm this is delicious! where is that delicious looking waiter, I could use another!” He called to the waiter who ushered over to change the subject just in time.

 

At the end of the night, Seth and Stefon lied in bed together, absently touching and cuddling and lulled by the beat of their hearts. “How are you so understanding of everything? You found out today that your boyfriend used heroin and you invited him to live with you?”

 

“Stefon, you made me realize today more than ever that I want to be with you. The thought of something happening to you- the thought of me not being there to help you through this stuff was awful and terrifying.” Seth stopped his kiss Stefon’s hand. “I love you, Stefon Zolesky. Like it or not, nothing’s gonna change that.”

 

“You’re a sap, Seth Meyers.” Stefon brought him in for a real kiss, the kind that sends tingles to all the right parts of their bodies. “And I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> title inspired by Northern Lights by Jaymes Young. I think I've used this song for a title before but I can't remember. It's a really good song for Stefon, you should def check it out.


End file.
